Watching your child have a meltdown or your teen scream and cry can be overwhelming, especially when you feel like you want to scream or cry, too. Parents want tools to help their kids. But what really works to help your kid find calm? It’s a common question, but the answer isn’t always simple.

As a therapist, I’ve worked with hundreds of families searching for tools to help their child. Many parents come to me desperate for answers, asking, “How do I make my child stop [insert behavior] and just be calm?” The truth is, there’s no one-size-fits-all solution or magic coping strategies. What works for one child might not work for another, and sometimes, strategies that worked in the past suddenly stop working. It’s frustrating, but don’t lose hope—there are ways to help your child find calm.

Understanding Co-Regulation

When your child is dysregulated, it’s important to remember that co-regulation plays a key role. Co-regulation means helping your child by offering your connection and presence, while working alongside them to regulate emotions together. Even adults need co-regulation! Think about the last time you vented to a friend or received a comforting hug from a loved one. These moments help regulate your emotions, and it’s the same for children.

As parents, when our kids were babies, we comforted them by picking them up and rocking them. That connection helped regulate their emotions. The same principle applies as they grow older. By being being with them, we can help them navigate their big emotions.

Coping Skills: Why They Don’t Always Work in the Moment

In our practice, we work with many children and teens on learning coping strategies to manage big emotions. It’s common for parents to say, “They’re not using their coping skills when they get upset!” The reality is that in high-stress moments, children often can’t use those skills on their own—they need our help.

One of the biggest takeaways I share with parents is that coping skills work best when used proactively and strategically. It’s important to identify your child’s triggers and the times of day that are most challenging. For example, if your child often has a meltdown after school when asked to do homework, consider building a regulation break into the routine before homework time.

This could include having a snack, doing some movement activities like bouncing on a yoga ball or stretching, and engaging in a calming activity like blowing bubbles or drawing. After this break, your child is more likely to be ready for homework in a regulated state.

The Stress Response and "Flipping their Lid"

When a child has already “flipped their lid” or is in the middle of a meltdown, it’s not the right time to try to reason with them or convince them to try a coping strategy. In these moments, their stress response—fight, flight, or freeze—has kicked in, and they’re not using their thinking brain. Trying to talk them through it may lead to more frustration and dysregulation. This is super challenging, I know! Most of all in these difficult moments, your child just needs your presence and time. Try taking some deep breaths for yourself and release your tension.

If you’re interested in learning more about the stress response and how it impacts behavior, I highly recommend Robyn Gobbel’s podcast, The Big Baffling Behavior Show. Here’s a helpful episode on the stress response: Robyn Gobbel’s Stress Response Episode.

Tailoring Your Approach to Your Child’s Needs

There’s no one-size-fits-all answer when it comes to your child’s behavior and helping them find calm. Every child is different, and every situation requires flexibility and patience. What matters most is that you’re doing your best to support your child, even when it feels challenging.

Remember to be patient with yourself, too. Parenting is a constant learning process, and it’s okay if you don’t have all the answers right away. Offer yourself some compassion.

Here is a free resource: Emotional Regulation Toolkit by Carrie Manning, LPC-S, RPT-S.

If you find that you or your child need extra help, consider reaching out to a professional counselor. At Reach Counseling, we specialize in working with children and teens to help them navigate their emotions and behaviors. Here is more info about our services: Child Therapy Services. If you’re concerned about your child’s behavior or want to learn more about how therapy can help, please contact us at Reach Counseling. We’re here to support you and your family.