Enforcing the rules and keeping your home free of chaos and your children from running rampant takes work. Rules and boundaries help create safety and security for kids. Most parents do not want to be overly harsh and rule over their kids with a “because I said so” tone. Neither do parents want to be overly permissive and raise spoiled narcissists. Most parents want to learn to find that balance of authoritative and assertive parenting delivered with warmth and connection. Is there a magic formula for this? Not really. It takes courage, grace, and hard work to parent kids.
Here are four strategies to help you set limits with your kids:
Timing - if your child is in a state of dysregulation (flipped their lid, melting down), they will not be able to listen rationally and respectfully. Your child’s “thinking” brain is offline. It is not the time to set limits or review rules and expectations. Your words are going to frustrate them more. Your child needs your help getting back to a regulated state. You can offer co-regulation by connecting and being present with your child while providing comfort and compassion. If you are also dysregulated (triggered/your lid is flipped), help yourself first. Take a deep breath. Here is an excellent podcast from Robyn Gobbel about what to do when triggered by a child’s behavior: https://robyngobbel.com/notflippingyourlid/ . When everyone is in a more regulated state, you can discuss limits.
ACT - Acknowledge the feeling, communicate the limit, and target alternatives. ACT is a method used by play therapists to set limits in sessions. When you see your child doing something against the rules, the first step is to acknowledge their feelings or what they want. Get down on their level and make eye contact. Try to match their level of intensity. Example: “You are so sad about not getting to go outside right now. Going outside is really fun, and you love it so much.” Validating their feelings and desires is the essential part of this strategy. Next, communicate the limit or rule: “But we can’t play outside right now because it is dark.” Finally, help the child target other choices that are OK. “You can play with the blocks, or we can read a book together. What do you choose?” For younger children, I recommend offering two choices that you predetermine. Simple is better.
Say “no” by giving a “yes” - Kids need boundaries and need to hear no sometimes. It helps them to feel safe to understand the clear limitations and consequences. However, receiving a stern “NO!” or “You can’t have that!” can be triggering to kids and hard on their nervous system. Consider how it feels when you are told “NO,” even as an adult. For example, if your child asks for a treat 30 minutes before dinner, instead of “NO, absolutely not. It’s almost dinner time.” You can adjust to, “Yes, you can have a treat after dinner. We are going to eat in a few minutes. Do you want to put your treat on the table?” Or if your child asks to have more screen time, you can reply, “Yes, you can have more screen time after you work on your reading assignment for 20 minutes.” Setting healthy limits for your kids by giving “yes” helps them stay regulated and accept hard things.
Oreo cookie theory - I learned this strategy from Dr. Gary Landreth, a pioneer in child-centered play therapy. In his parenting video, Dr. Landreth tells a cute story about his toddler when he caught her trying to sneak heaping handfuls of oreo cookies to her bedroom right before bedtime. He compassionately tells her, “You can choose to keep one cookie and put the rest back or choose to put all the cookies back. Which do you choose to do?” This strategy is about giving choices that match the child’s ability to respond responsibly. Bigger choices are appropriate for older kids, and smaller choices are for younger kids. Offering choices teaches children how to learn to accept the consequences. When my kids were about 5 and 7, they ferociously screamed at one another about what to watch on TV. I sat them down and explained that if they chose to keep yelling at one another, then they would choose to lose screen time that day. I also gave them examples of ways to communicate their needs to one another more effectively. The key is using the word “choose.” Example: “If you choose to ________, then you choose to _______. You can choose.”
Conclusion
No parent is perfect, and you are trying your best. Enforcing rules and boundaries can be challenging when your kids are tired and dysregulated. (Or when the parent is tired and dysregulated.) Most kids don’t like being told “no.” It doesn’t feel good. It may cause tempers and behaviors to rise.
What if You Mess Up?
Every parent makes mistakes, especially in the heat of the moment. Mistakes can be great opportunities for you and your children to learn and to repair and build your relationship. I have been triggered and yelled at my kids (especially in the morning when we are late and trying to get to school and work on time while one kid can’t find their shoe and the other is crying about losing their special rock). I try to give myself grace and compassion when I recognize my failure to regulate myself and help my child during their tough times. I also apologized to my kids later. “Remember when mommy yelled this morning? I am very sorry. Being yelled at doesn’t feel good. I made a big mistake, and I am so sorry. I love you very much.” Admitting my mistakes to my children is not a sign of weakness, but it helps me model what they can do if they make mistakes. It helps provide a pattern of love and compassion they can replicate to themselves and others.